Always and Forever
by madeleine68
Summary: After "Witness," Olivia misses Alex. But she's also angry, and she's so confused. But a letter from Alex makes everything okay. A/O oneshot. Please review!


**Disclaimer: The characters belong to Dick Wolf. Grr . . .**

**This takes place after **_**Witness. **_**Implied A/O. Yes, I kind of stole this idea from _Bucken-Berry, _but I put my own spin on it. :)**

"Liv?" calls Captain Cragen, poking his head out of his office. "Can I see you for a second?"

Olivia exchanges glances with Elliot and sighs.

"What did you do?" Elliot asks, quirking an eyebrow.

Olivia shrugs. "I'll tell you in a few minutes."

She follows the captain into his office and stands in front of his desk, shuffling her feet.

He clears his throat and holds out a white envelope. "Apparently, you've got mail."

Olivia cocks her head. "Mail?" Sometimes she gets letters from victims, thanking her, or from perpetrators swearing to kill her for putting them in jail; it's nothing new. But Captain Cragen usually just leaves them on her desk for her instead of making a big deal about them. What's different about this one?

"Olivia Benson, in the care of the Special Victims Unit."

Olivia's breathing hitches. There's only one person who addresses her letters so neatly, but that particular person isn't very happy with her right now. They had a huge fight before she left, and although Olivia misses her every single day, she knows that it's over. Alex is gone and she's not coming back.

She remembers the night before Alex left.

"_Why do you have to go?" Olivia asked, trying not to whine, but she was angry and she couldn't quite keep her temper in check._

"_This is important, Olivia," explained Alex patiently._

"_More important than me?"_

"_For now, yes."_

"_Alex, if this is going to work, my job is to be loyal to you above all, and yours is to be loyal to me. We have to put each other first."_

"_If we want our _jobs _to work, we have to put _them_ first."_

"_This isn't your job!"_

"_Olivia," said Alex calmly. "Every single day in the Congo, defenseless women are raped and murdered. I'm not going to stay there forever, but right now, they need me more than you do."_

"_No, actually, they don't." She really was whining now, much as she tried to control herself. "_I _need you, Alex. Your time in Witness Protection nearly destroyed me. Aare you too selfish to see that? Or are you just too selfish to care?"_

_She knew the second the words were out of her mouth that she'd gone too far. Alex took a deep breath to compose herself before pointing to the door. "You can see yourself out."_

_Hot tears stinging her eyes, Olivia had stalked out the door, pretending she didn't care. And it wasn't until she was crying herself to sleep in a lonely bed that she realized what a mistake she'd made._

She takes the letter from Captain Cragen with shaking hands and holds her breath when she sees the handwriting. Every letter perfectly sculpted, the flowing cursive unwavering, written in Alex's signature purple pen that Olivia got her for her birthday. It's definitely from Alex, and Olivia wonders if she even dares to open it.

She takes a deep breath and slowly, meticulously opens the envelope. She pulls out the letter and reads.

_Liv,_

_I know you're mad at me, and you have the right to be. I guess I should have talked to you about my leaving, because honestly, your opinion is the one that matters most. If you really thought this was the wrong thing for me to do, I probably wouldn't have come. But if you had the chance to save just one more life, wouldn't you take it?_

_There are so many women here who've been hurt so much, and they're all so strong, because they've made it through. Some of them haven't, and we pray for them. I know you can't imagine _me _praying, but here, you do what you have to do to help, even if it involves something you wouldn't be caught dead doing otherwise. There are so many courageous, fearless people here, volunteers as well as survivors. They all remind me so much of you, and I'm constantly humbled by their strength, their compassion, their action in the face of injustice. I want to be like them someday, and like you._

_Maybe I lied to you when I told you why I was coming. I thought that it was because I wanted to help, but maybe I just needed to find myself, to figure out who I was and what I was capable of. And I think that maybe here, I've found my purpose. It won't be forever, but this does for me what your job does for you. You always told me about that surge of pride and ecstasy when you find out that you've helped someone, better than a drug, and I always chalked it up to adrenaline. Maybe it's just hormones, but it feels like so much more. When someone looks at you with such admiration and you know you've changed their life, it's almost like you're flying. But then, you know that, because you get it every day. _

_I know you miss me, Liv, and I miss you too. I promise that I will come back. I didn't leave because I wanted to hurt you. I wasn't running away from anything, Liv. I was running _toward _something, and that's a distinction we have to make. I've learned a lot about myself in these past few weeks, and I think this was something I needed to do._

_I've thought about writing this letter for days, weeks even. I've mulled over exactly what I wanted to say and exactly how to say it, and maybe this isn't perfect, but I hope you understand. Liv, I love you, more than anything. Nothing will ever change that. Nothing ever _can_. I know our last night together was bitter, and we both said some things we probably shouldn't have, and I would do anything to change that if I could. I hurt you, and I guess I should have anticipated that it would backfire. I wasn't trying to deceive you, Liv; really, I wasn't. I was just trying to figure out the best way to tell you, because I _didn't _want to hurt you._

_If you're still upset with me, I understand, and that's okay. But I miss you and I love you so, so much, and I'd really love to hear from you. Write me and tell me how you're doing, because you know I worry. I know you do too, and I'm okay here. I'm being careful, because I need to get back in one piece for the woman I love._

_Always and forever, I'll be your Alex. Remember that._

Salty tears sting Olivia's eyes when she finishes reading the letter. She blinks them back, not wanting to cry in front of her boss. "Thank you," she finally manages to say, although she's not sure if she's thanking him or Alex, although she knows Alex isn't here and can't hear her. Maybe she's just expressing collective gratitude.

She bolts from the office without even asking the captain for the rest of the day off; it's 5:00 anyway, and she knows he'll call her if there's anything really important that he needs her for.

She sits down at her kitchen table and pulls out a blank sheet of paper. She chews the end of her pen, wondering what to say. There's so much she wishes she could express, but she's never been good with words. So she finally just settles for this:

_Alex,_

_Don't worry. I understand. I love you too._

**Review if you enjoyed this oneshot!**


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